Stuck in Life

 How many times have you felt 'STUCK’, not in the traffic jam or check-in queue kinds, the one with more impact, STUCK IN LIFE?  For many it never happens, they are the blessed ones, always content. For the people belonging to the ‘aware’ category, it would happen more than once. This is different than a mid-life crisis, it can happen at any stage of your life even when from the outside your life is everything perfect.

When I give it a little more thought it can also translate to things not going the way you want them to. We will stick to this interpretation as I can give a couple of examples because who better than me. 

This pandemic showed me a year that I have never imagined or planned for, even after watching all kinds of Hollywood movies, because who thinks that shit can get real.

I had big plans for the year that has gone by and smaller ones for this new one, time will tell if the smaller ones reach the same fate as the big ones. After I moved to Amsterdam, the struggle was real, finding a job, finding a decent place to stay ( it’s not easy and I am not exaggerating), visa deadlines, it took us 1.5 years to feel settled, financially and career wise, which bring us to 2020. 

The year that 2020 was supposed to be, the year of travel, the year of Initiation, the year of improving my survival-only swimming technique, the year of bringing my mom to Amsterdam, the year of getting a dog, now dear reader I hope you understand the gravity of BIG GOALS.

None of the above happened, what happened instead is the lockdown, an overworked-me who didn’t get the promotion she worked her ass off, the 1-year waitlist to get a dog, the year rounded up with losing immediate family members to DEATH. 

I didn’t deliberately eliminate any good things that happened, of course, there were good things, we had a roof, jobs, good health, and food. Forever grateful for these. 

This post is about feeling stuck, so back to rant, now unlike India, we are still in a partial- lockdown, that means stores which opened recently can be visited only by appointments, gym, movie hall or any sort of entertainment is closed. We cannot be outside after 9 pm, only 1 guest is allowed in a day, traveling within Europe for non-essential reason is impossible. There are people who made the best out of this or were ok about this, I live with one such person so you can imagine it doesn’t help.  

There is no clarity on what the next few months hold, things are not going to change drastically and life is not going back to ‘NORMAL’, and I can’t come to terms with this harsh reality. 

Now dear reader you would say, pursue some indoor hobby, and it’s a noble idea. I would ask what did you pursue and how long did it last? Hobbies as the name suggest is a hobby, it won’t last long, I tried few things but how long can you restrict an extrovert within 4 walls & expect them to be sane.

 I can’t plan anything for this year, it would just result in disappointment like 2020. Mind it, I can deal with uncertainty, I have thrived before. This is not the same. 

How do I deal with this then? 

 I am still figuring out, the only way I know is ‘Acceptance’, no I am not wise enough to know it on my own. A very learned saint once said ‘if you fight against the flow of nature, it's you who will end up being hurt’. True, true, true. 

Acceptance doesn’t come easy, especially to obstinate control freaks( me), these creatures suffer, cry, fight until they cannot anymore. How naive! No one said knowledge is enough, only when it's applied it can change the fabric of one's true self. 

I don't know when I am going to finally accept, realistically, after I have cried my eyes out or this thing actually gets over. I do wish for the latter. 

                                                   Are you in a similar bottle? ( I hope not )